


You Know I Have Lost Count

by ChisanaItchi



Category: Friends at the Table (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, I get emotional over Fourteen Fifteen, Memory Loss, Mentioned Character Death (not permanent), Polyamory, The Gunslinger - Freeform, This is my first work let’s see how this goes, Whoever Fourteen Fifteen was before them, Worthy of Grace
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-27
Updated: 2017-10-27
Packaged: 2019-01-25 06:49:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12525484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChisanaItchi/pseuds/ChisanaItchi
Summary: “How many you have left? Is it a thing where you just add more?”“...What can I tell you?”An exploration of Fourteen Fifteen’s memory, how they forget and what they forget.





	You Know I Have Lost Count

They were used to people not understanding their situation. Seeing someone return after dying and being different but so casual about it, that usually brought about confusion in people. It made them put their view of mortality in a different light. Understandably, some people were repulsed by it in a way, they flinched back as Sho did. ‘Why do we fight for those who sacrificed alongside those who will never understand that sacrifice?’ ‘Don’t you loose yourself? That’s inhuman.’ ‘I cannot understand you.’ For others it was a best case scenario. ‘How do you get a hold of those?’ ‘So you’ll live forever?’ ‘How can I survive like you do?’. There is a difference between living and surviving that is sometimes a hard concept to grasp. It’s something that Fourteen Fifteen probably used to think about, in the dead of night when the world is quiet and they were left with only themself. Maybe they talked to someone about it and took comfort in having someone to confide in. They don’t know, they can’t remember anymore. Nowadays Fourteen Fifteen does not dwell on it, they can explain it to others but if they want to fret about their situation they have many lifetimes in which to do just that. For now they keep moving.

Tender and Signet’s first reactions were fairly easy. They walked into The Steady as a gunslinger with a holstered gun and awkward smile. Signet was calm as always, already accustomed to loss in a way Fourteen Fifteen didn’t completely understand just yet. She sat neatly in her seat at the bar in what she considered casual wear, simply scanning their new body, as if searching for something that would connect this new being to the one she once knew. Tender stood behind the bar, rolling her drink around on the bar top as Fourteen sat down and ordered their own drink. She got it promptly and after they finished the drink Tender smiled, asked “Is something different about you? It’s your hair isn’t it?” The architect finished her drink and that was that. That’s one of the things that Fourteen Fifteen liked about Signet and Tender. The two were so accepting of whatever was thrown their way. Tender saw it coming and grinned in anticipation of what was to come and Signet waited until action was called for, cool and refined, somehow always waiting for something. Fourteen Fifteen thought of them fondly and hoped that the two would leave their life before they forgot what they liked about the pair.

Sometime before they died and became the gunslinger, before Tender really understood their situation, Fourteen Fifteen was talking to Tender in a restaurant loud enough to have personal conversations without the risk of someone hearing and at the end of the night the subject of memory came up. 

“It must get in the way of relationships though.” Tender commented with a grin, leaning back in her chair as a waiter quickly refilled both of their drinks before darting to the next roudy table, “I mean, most people get in trouble for forgetting anniversaries and things, how does it go for you?” Fourteen Fifteen laughed, a bright sound, as they took a drink shaking their head. “It’s not something I really partake in anymore. One time- ah it’s been awhile- the last time, I mean, I was in a relationship I cut it off for that reason.” Tender leaned forward in interest, more serious now that she realised she’d get an actual answer from the allusive assassin. Looking down into their glass with a fond nostalgic smile Fourteen Fifteen continued. “I probably knew it wouldn’t work out but it was a good relationship. It’s nice to still fit by someone’s side even when the rest of you and your place in the world changes so often. The two of them were so good to me, always tried to be understanding when I missed dates or came in late when dinner was cold and one of them was already asleep. They had to put up with a lot because of me.” Fourteen Fifteen’s smile dropped a little as Tender looked on wide eyed and interested in what information of their personal life she would finally get. “It obviously wasn’t a good idea. Whatever takes things from me does so randomly and w-we- ah- we should have realised something like...” They sighed and took a large gulp of their drink, “It was a birthday and we were laughing, opening gifts from each other and one of them, she was called Local Life, Local looked at me and she asked, ‘Remember the first time we met?’ And I realised I didn’t. And she saw in me that I didn’t. I broke it off with them after that. I just- I didn’t want to walk back into the apartment, kiss one of them and smile at the other asking ‘And who’s your friend?’” Tender sat with an unusual loss of words as Fourteen Fifteen sat quietly before quickly finishing their drink and a little too roughly slapping their glass back onto the table. They gave Tender an almost sheepish smile before offering to pay and calling over a waiter amidst the crowded building, leaving Tender without a chance to ask a question about their partners. It was a long time before she asked about it again.

Signet should be able to understand why Fourteen Fifteen forgot things. It was a part of their dying process and was something personal to them, something she tried to refrain from asking about. However when she heard Fourteen Fifteen struggling to remember the name of the Divine Achievement she just couldn’t fathom how something such as Divine could be so easily forgotten. “You know, the one that’s about striving for things that you probably wouldn’t be able to do? The one that pushes you and rewards you for pushing yourself? I think that was a Divine right?” She found the gunslinger asking, “I read about it just now so it must be a thing, I just can’t remember what it is.” Signet turned to look at Fourteen Fifteen who was reading an article about how a festival usually dedicated to celebrating what has been done by the people of Achievement has not been as popular over the years after the death of the Divine. “Achievement. The Over’s festival is dedicated to Achievement. I am sure that the name of the Divine is in the article but even so how could y-“ Fourteen Fifteen gave Signet a shrug as if to say ‘I know, I know,’ and tapped on their hard light pad a few times before turning it to Signet. “Yeah, you’re right. It says so here. Thanks Signet.” At their dismissal of the situation, Signet was taken aback before straightening her hair and scarf and confronting Fourteen Fifteen again. “I understand your situation, however how easily can you forget a whole Divine? Were you even aware that you did not know that Achievement was a Divine?” She asked, moving closer to the gunslinger almost as if to prevent them from avoiding her. Their mouth drew into a thin line as they thought about her question. “I mean, I don’t usually know that I don’t know something, isn’t it that way for everyone though?” Signet sat down next to Fourteen Fifteen, causing them to put down their article and turn towards her. “If you would not mind,” Signet asked, “I would like you to tell me how it works. Your deaths, how it relates to your memories and, if you wish Fourteen Fifteen, how many times you can die and come back. I believe this would help me interact with you and understand your situation but I also understand that this is very personal.” Signet spoke slowly and calmly, almost appearing disinterested despite her want to understand her co-worker better. Fourteen Fifteen sighed and thought for a short while, trying to figure out how to best explain it to Signet before they looked out to space and tried to answer her questions. “You know, I can’t really tell. It is hard to explain. Imagine stars in the Mirage and imagine that there are stars inside of me. Each time it happens, each time I die, a star disappears inside of me and one reappears in the Mirage. At first you can’t really tell what has changed, as what’s a few stars compared to all the others? I’m at a point when I cannot tell what I am missing but when I am left with only a few stars, and can clearly see how many I have lost, then I’ll be able to tell you how long I have left.”

Tender found a chance to talk about Fourteen Fifteen’s partners much later, not to the gunslinger but to the opera singer once they found their way into the life of Worthy of Grace. The two shared drinks in a much quieter venue this time, looking out over a city on a private balcony with roses at Fourteen Fifteen’s feet from the show they just preformed. The two enjoyed the time shared together, talking about the days spent on stages and in building churches before the shy waitress that had brought them their drinks returned with more and politely asked for an autograph from Worthy of Grace, of which they gave with a quiet modesty. As the young woman left clutching the autograph and her tray to her chest, Tender gave a look to Fourteen Fifteen. “You have to do that stuff a lot?” They nodded in response, watching through the glass doors of the balcony at the waitress who happily put the autograph in her pocket and returned to work with a spring in her step. “Doesn’t that ever get annoying? Like, don’t celebrities have people professing their love to you and stuff?” Tender pressed on looking between the fan and assassin. Fourteen Fifteen laughed, a lighter and more practiced sound in this body than the laugh they had two bodies ago, before looking back at Tender. “I do have lots of that, however I am very used to telling people that I am not interested in a relationship. Also, it is arguably easier to tell people no because I am a celebrity who cannot be in a romantic relationship rather than admitting that my other job provides more problems in maintaining relationships.” Tender swallowed, remembering past conversations and the questions she never got to ask. “About that, remember that night in Last Lights? When we got a table right before a concert ended and the place got crowded with people in neon paint?” Tender asked, a slight nervousness creeping into her voice at her attempt at asking about Fourteen Fifteen’s personal life after so long. Again, they laughed. “I do. Our food was confused with another table’s and since we rarely saw the same waiter twice we never got it and so just drank throughout the night.” Tender smiled. That night was literally a couple of lifetimes away for Fourteen Fifteen but they both remembered it fondly. “I never asked.” Tender started to say before taking a sip from her glass, “Sorry, as I was saying- Back then, I never asked for the name of your other partner. I’ve been curious, but there just was never the right time.” Raising an eyebrow, Fourteen Fifteen gave Tender a confused smile and shook their head gently, causing their now curled hair to bob slightly around their face. A slow and horrible sinking feeling crept up on Tender and the drink in her stomach suddenly turned sour. “Local Life? Local Life was one of them, and there was another one. Y-You didn’t say their name or gender but y-you know them. They and Local Life were nice people, you said they were, she-“ “Tender? Tender.” Fourteen Fifteen interrupted her gently but firmly, understanding the situation a little more but still with a confused look on their face. “I don’t remember a Local Life. Or whoever we talked about when talking about this person. I’m sorry.”

Stars go out everyday. By the time we realise they have gone out, that their light has vanished, they are already long dead and there is no point in grieving for them.


End file.
